ugh – I hate waiting

Having my ablasia done today….but I dont check in until 1300 so I have to sit around and wait while not eating all am. I can still drink water for another 30 minutes though!

Then….I wait. I hate waiting. I’m too hungry to focus on school work, really. Or maybe I cant focus because of nerves? Either way… I wait. …..

Honestly, usually I am so OVER booked that waiting without a chore to do isn’t an issue. I have no waiting with nothing to do skills. Maybe I should do some yoga.

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21 days to break a habit

They say it takes 21 days to break/make a habit. I’ve heard 30 as well. In my ‘fat camp’ meeting – which is a group of women focusing on weight loss and being healthy (and not actually called fat camp, that’s just what I call it) – they say 21. They have challenged us to set 4 goals of adding or subtracting things. I have decided to wash my face every night before bed. So far, so good!

I was thinking of why I didnt make my habit more challenging – like get 10K steps everyday. I want to do that one…but I also dont want to fail.

I think I do this too much…this thing where I dont set REALLY high goals for myself because being successful is so important to me. I’m not really sure how to break that yet. I feel that way about school….i’m worried that I wont succeed so deciding to go back was really hard. Continues to be hard.

Maybe after the washing my face one…i’ll do the steps. We’ll see if I have the courage to possibly fail. :/ Even saying the words scare me. eek. Does anyone else do this? Or is this just me?

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Lifting our Men up

This subject has come up a lot lately….and i’m proud to say that people notice me participating in this, and have come to see it as a reason Gary and I do so well together (and it is one of the reasons).

Somehow, in the liberation of women and in our quest to break thru the glass ceiling (which we are still trying to do on a regular basis) it became socially acceptable to trash our men. I would bet in any given day, you can hear at least 5 statements that are derogatory and pointed directly at the Y chromosome. And everyone LAUGHS….hahahahaha so funny how men can’t pick up their clothes, how they can’t take direction, how they get ‘man sick’.
Here’s a thing I like to try and ponder before I say something generalizing either sex: “If I reverse the male and female roles in this statement, would it still be funny/true?”
Let me give you an example. My mother (a huge womens rights supporter) was talking to me about my step-father’s MD’s. She says, “well, the surgeon is just an ass but his PCP is a woman, so of course she listens to him and understands where he’s coming from”. It stopped me in my tracks….what? And when I asked her if I had said the very same thing but reversed the man and woman in that statement, she would have a COW – she was shocked but had to agree. Its like it had never occurred to her how much she man bashed. And do you know why it doesn’t occur to anyone? because it’s considered “ok”. Similar to using the ‘N’ or the ‘R’ word.

Can we look at another angle really quick, as well? Can we look at managing people? When you lead people, it is your job to find the strengths in those people and boost them. It is your job to notice the weaknesses and get them more support. Lets say your man IS a terrible sick person, or can’t pick up laundry or walks right by an overflowing trash can…..isnt it our job (as people who LOVE these people…not manage them) to lift up their strengths? And to support their weakness?

From my point of view….I would much rather work on my weaknesses for someone who loved and respected me regardless, not someone who trashed my weak points and only showed me love and respect when I was perfect for them.

I’m not saying i’m always gender fair – i’m not. However, you will never hear me bash my husband. Ever. About anything. Even joking. Even when i’m pissed. Because I love him, I want him to succeed in life, and I want him to know that regardless of what life tosses our way, I am his support.

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Can we all agree?

Can we all agree to be adults and not use the word Slut? Why does it matter to you whom anyone else is sleeping with?? Or what their qualifications for sleeping together are?

Kids use this word because parents teach them to judge others. Then people are bullied and hurt themselves or others. Look, i’m not all for this ‘bully’ bandwagon that seems to have happen in the last 5 years….but this story of the girl in Canada who killed herself because of pictures of her being sexually assaulted and then harassed about it is DISGUSTING.

It makes me sick to my stomach to think that a woman was taken advantage of and then not only NOT given justice but just reamed about it by her peers.

There were bullies in my school days…but when we went home, it was over. Then we didn’t have to deal with it until the next day. Now its 24/7. Kids have always been cruel, but now they are cruel all the time. We cant stop the inter-tubes. We can stop the cruel. Stop it from the top.

Parents, Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents: stop judging other people and teaching your kids to judge them. You can teach your kids to judge for themselves about what is right and / or wrong for them…WITHOUT teaching them to attach a label or judgment to others.

And if you cant…..dont fucking have kids. You arent going to make a good parent.

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I’ve started a challenge for us. Its a squat a day, for 90 days.  Or…a squat for each day that you are on, for 90 days.  So, today, for me, is day three. I’m doing three squats.

At the end of the challenge, i’ll be doing 90 squats.  And then i’m going to do burpies. Lord Help Me.


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Tri @ The Grove, round two.

Life got away from me. I kept thinking…. I’ve got time to train. I did it last year, and it wasn’t NEARLY as hard as I thought it was going to be. I’m sure it wont be THAT hard. I don’t need to spend 5 months prepping for it this year.

Part of that was right….the other part was so wrong.

I thought I had plenty of time….then I didnt. It hit me 4 days before the Triathlon, OH MY GOD….the Tri is in 4 DAYS!!! But at that point, what can you do? Can you kick your own ass trying to get ready? No. That will just wear you out. So….you deep breathe. You pray. You talk smack to others to make yourself feel better and you get your ass to the race.

Swimming was a challenge last year and I didn’t think it would be any different this year, except maybe worse. I was right. Looking at the water made my heart rate go up and my breathing get shallow. I was trying to keep my back to the water the whole hour before the race because I thought that fainting from fear BEFORE the race started would look pretty weak. In between constant reassurance from my husband (“you did this last year, you can do it again. You’ll be fine”), and silent prayers along with quiet – but audible – mantras of “you’ve got this, it will be fine, slow and easy wins the race”, I felt light headed and sweaty.  It somehow was enough to get me in the water.

The start was normal – lots of legs and arms and kicking and elbows.  Lots of swallowing water and trying not to hyperventilate.  I never expect to be first out of the water, but I need to get far enough around the first buoy that when the next heat comes (the further distance heat shares two buoys with the shorter distance, then they go one for a double length) they wont run me over. This has to happen in at least 15 minutes and with no way of telling time, i’m 100% sure its going to happen at any minute. The anticipation is killer.  After getting off the shared path, and rounding the second buoy (there are 4 in my heat) I know that I’m not in danger of being run over.  That makes breathing a little easier.  At that point, because my head is quieter, I start to feel the shortness in my lungs and the exhaustion in my arms.  This makes my mind think….should I stop? Is this the time to call over the kayak and have them tow me in? Am I going to make this? Last year, I thought what got me through the swim was the thought that, “I trained for this – I’ve done this a billion times in the pool, I can do this”.  Well, this year, I didn’t have that. I hadn’t trained for this. I hadn’t done this since…well, since the triathlon LAST year. So…why did I keep going? I don’t know.  I think because I thought, “i’m not going to die, I don’t have to RACE, I can go slow….focus on breathing and count it out”. “Counting it out” is a term I use to focus and to relax. I count stuff and it soothes me – yeah, i’m nuts – I know. I counted out strokes between buoys, taking a break (either breast stroke, or back stroke) every 150 freestyle stokes. Focused on my breath and reminded myself 100 million times that it was about DOING it, not finishing first.  Get through the swim, then have fun.

I also swore, somewhere around the area of 85 billion times, that NEXT year I was going to be more prepared. I WILL take swimming lessons before I do that to myself again. Trust and believe.

I finished the swim at about 36 minutes (the longest 36 minutes of my life). I thought I was the LAST one of my heat out of the water – and I didn’t care.  I also thought I was at 48 minutes for some reason, also didn’t care about that. I was just so grateful to be done.  I fell in love with dry land all over again.

On to the bike! My favorite part of a Tri. I took my time because I figured I was the last one out anyway – who cares.  I stopped three times (to fix a glove, to drink some water, to pick up stuff I dropped) and wasn’t worried in the least. I sang on the downhill grade at the top of my lungs and generally had a great time.  I also passed about 5 people and realized that there were still 5 or so behind me (from my heat). I reminded myself that this was the ‘rest’ part of my race and kept it to under 90 RPM. I do this by…counting it out! I love numbers. {sorry, geeky, I know}

I was surprised to find more climbs than I remembered. I’m not sure if this is because I was prepared (and in better shape) the last time, or if it was the child birth phenomenon.  Where you dont remember pain so that you are able to go through it again {otherwise there would be only one child families}. Either way, I was happy with my time.  It was essentially the same as last year with no training and you cant really be upset about that.

Before I move on to the run – I should tell you that, for once, I was not worried about this.  I spent the winter training for a half marathon so I felt like a 5K was child’s play.  I mean, sure, after a energy zapping swim and climbing on a bike for an hour, my legs were toast – but I can run WAY better than I used to be able to. I still have bone-on-bone in one leg, and I still am 890lbs overweight, but I’ve got some serious calf muscles and some LARGE capacity lungs.  I also had some serious shin splints and some nausea going on that didn’t seem to be going away.

The run started out shaky.  As I was taking off, I noticed Jay (my partner in crime) was DONE. DONE???!!?? What the hell? He only started 6 minutes before me and superman couldn’t run a 5K in 6 minutes!  I think it motivated me, and I took off. I ran until the pain in my left shin made me consider banging it against a rock to make it feel better. I stopped and stretched it for about 10 seconds and got more pissed.  I think I might have dropped a few F-Bombs here, not gonna’ lie.  So I ran through it.  Hard. I passed people – WHILE RUNNING. I never pass ANYONE while running.  The run is a run out, run back….so a little bit after the turn around – I felt it coming.  Oh yeah, this was gonna be ugly.  Ran to the bushes and up came the small amount of food I had that morning.  A very kind woman stopped to see if I was okay and I encouraged her to leave me alone. She was nice, but I wasn’t sure if I was going to puke more or poop my pants so she had to GO. I stood up, walked a little, and ran more.  Why? Because I could almost FEEL the finish line. Was this smart? no. Will I do this again? no.  Do I hurt today? Yes.

About 100 yards from the finish, Andrew (Jay’s 15 year old son) came out to run in with me.  He encouraged me to sprint to the finish, and that was really cool. I enjoyed that a lot.

A lot of people wonder why I race – any kind of race.  I mean, I have bone on bone in a knee and sever arthritis.  I could loose, realistically, 100lbs and not be on anyone’s “Annie hero” board.  I never have a very good reason. Its not because i’m in awesome shape, its not to lose weight.  Its because honestly, I love it when my own body surprises me.  When I’m 100% sure I can not do something – and then I do it.  I feel, in that moment, like I can do anything. As if there is nothing I can not achieve.  There is very little in my life that makes me feel that way.  Even when that voice that says I will fail is right, and I fall short of the mark, it makes me proud that I’ve tried.  That I gave it my all. I don’t always do that in life. Pride, fear and vanity get in the way a lot of times – so this is a place where I can force myself to be the person I want to be all the time.  During the race – whatever type of race it is.

You should try it, if you don’t already.  I promise that win or lose, finish or not, you’ll be proud of yourself.




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I’m going to try this…

I’m going to try going to sleep and getting everyday at the same time. We’ll see how that goes!

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yay, me

I’m grateful for study partners. I’m grateful for finishing my final paper of the qrt. I’m grateful i’ve only got two tests and one presentation left. and i’m VERY grateful for book buyback week!

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My lucky parts

I’m going to post quickly, each day, for…a while…the things i’m grateful for. I have a lot, so this could take some time.

Today? I’m grateful for my ability to go back to school. Because of the support from my husband, i’m able to work part time and focus on school. So, here I am, on a Monday (when I would have been working – in another life) sitting in a coffee shop; people watching, writing a paper, and blogging. I’m *really* loving my flexible schedule and my support on the home front. Thanks for that, Mr. Kee.

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I used to think this affirmation stuff was crap. I imagined Stuart Smalley saying, “I’m good enough” or something similar. Now I might think different.  My current affirmations are: “Life is simple” and “Fight for what you want”.  I use “life is 70% showing up” a lot.  My favorite though is, “breathe”.

Feel free to use those.  They are great. :)

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