Today? I’m grateful for my ability to go back to school. Because of the support from my husband, i’m able to work part time and focus on school. So, here I am, on a Monday (when I would have been working – in another life) sitting in a coffee shop; people watching, writing a paper, and blogging. I’m *really* loving my flexible schedule and my support on the home front. Thanks for that, Mr. Kee.

Feel free to use those.  They are great.

I think it’s interesting that patients here seem to get a lot of relief from being of service to others. People who have been here for a while showing the ‘newbies’ the ropes. A psychotic patient trying to help a dementia patient. One feeling that they might have a valuable purpose in life again, and the other feeling that maybe they aren’t unlovable. Maybe they aren’t helpless. It’s kind of beautiful in a way.

It makes me think of the rest of us and what we are searching for. Really, we all want to know that we aren’t helpless, or hopeless. We all want to feel kindness and love. We want to be of use, and we want to feel there is someone who we can lean on. It’s like a emotional teeter totter. You kick up, and I’ll float down. Then I’ll kick up, and you float down.

This is the most beautiful part: When I am being of service to you, I’m feeling so much better about me! If we can just remember that the easiest way to get out of our own head is to be of service to others – the world would be such a better place.

Here is a great example. Today, my pencil pouch was taken from the break room and it had my calculator in it and everything I needed to work on my math homework. I was HOT. I was so bothered by this – my word. The thing is…its really not that big of a deal. I mean, so what? I lost a calculator – that cost me a whopping $20. I lost some erasers and some pencils and I lost some time to do my homework. Whop dee do. Was I hurt? Did I lose time at work? Did I lose an important…anything? No and if I had taken a minute to think of something other than myself, I’m sure I would have come to this realization faster.

Next time, I’m going to handle that stressful situation better. Or better yet, maybe I’ll lock my crap up and it wont happen again.

 I didn’t think much about this until someone in class noticed it and assumed – which was fair from my action – that I was ‘scared’ of this large black man. Which goes to show you how little this person knows about me. haha

 So, is that prejudice?  Is it wrong that I’m assuming how a man would expect a woman to act just because of his religion? And why do I care? I’m not trying to DATE the man, for Allah’s sake. And why am I trying to make my behavior fit what he expects a woman to act like?

 I think I just want to be respected and not make him feel uncomfortable.  Not that the site of my smile might make him uncomfortable – as though he could feel a pull in his loins if he saw my teeth or if he were to hear my voice.  I shouldn’t be conforming for people though, right? Or is that just respectful – similar to why you don’t cuss around your grandma?

 Remember the old talk show that would have the “things that make you go hmmm” bit? This falls in that category.

Not sure how I feel about that. On one hand, she has my best interest at heart but on the other….i’m not 19. I know what I can handle and what I cant….and really, my GPA sort of shows that, right?

Now, I have to do well this qrt so that I can go back and SHOW her.

No, really – she was very sweet and did really want me to do well. It just was weird to feel like I had to justify my class selection. And I have taken a large class load before and had to drop some things….but i’m pretty well prepared this qrt.

Speaking of which, I have more math to do.

First; Show up.

How true is it that life is 75% just showing up? I think pretty true.  For me, in life it means go to class even when I think its a waste of time. Do my run even if I feel like i’m to tired to make it worth the effort.  Show up to happy hour with friends even if i’ve something else to do.  Show up not only to get a head, but show up to enrich your life.

Second; Tell the truth.

For me, telling the truth to others isnt that hard. I mean, really, we’ve been working on this one since kindergarten - right?  But telling the truth to ourselves is the struggle.  Sometimes I find there is a fine line between telling myself the truth and having low self esteem.  Sometimes the truth can be pleasant too. And sometimes when the truth isnt pleasant, it can be okay to just let it be what it is. Either way, the start of that equation is truth.  And, really, i’d rather be “eh” honestly than “FANTASTIC” and faking it.

Third; Pay Attention

This is another thing I try real hard to do. Observe life and the people in it.  Working on the psych unit of a hospital, you learn to watch people pretty quick.  Watch them well and always.  It makes you an observer of people.  But what about paying attention to yourself that much too?  Now that’s something i’m working on.

Forth; Do your best

Really, can we ask for any more than that?

Fifth; Dont be to attached to the outcome.

I LOVE THIS RULE.  To me its all encompassing.  If I’ve payed attention and done my best and been honest and SHOWED up…well, then the outcome is what it is.  This is actually pretty hard….I get so wrapped up in what my life will be like WHEN.  What it will feel like…WHEN.  How about what it feels like now?  What about life being the journey and not the destination?

I cant tell you how many times I’ve done something and it turned out totally different than I thought it would.  And most of the time, that’s not a bad thing at all.  I think about this a lot in regard to my career change and about running.  I have no idea what my life, body, mind, living situation, or money will look like in 5 years.  No matter how much I want to know.  So…why am I so invested in it turning out how I want it too?  Really, I dont get to decide that.  I just have to show up, be honest, try my best and pay attention.  The rest will be what its suppose to be.

I’m going to die.  I NEED to be more serious about this training thing. Its just SO much easier to take a nap, or eat something terrible for myself.

Yep, gonna die.  when I think of it, I get a little upset tummy.  Lord. I need to think of something else.  I wonder if we have any chocolate?

Work is mellow and calm (as calm as can be expected on the psych floor) and that leaves me with way too much time to sit and plan. Plan how my life will be. Organize and categorize and make sure that I’m prepared for all things that *could* happen to me. Or around me. Or for me. It’s a little annoying being stuck in my head.

I was thinking this morning about the impression we leave with people. There are often times when I’m thinking of something off topic and someone I just said good morning too (in what I thought was a perfectly nice way) feels slighted due to my tone and or my smile (or lack of). And then, in reaction to my less than enthusiastic hello, they respond with the same lack of enthusiasm and then I think, “wow, they must not like me”. {this is the part where men feel grateful that they don’t have a female mind}

What I’m trying to say, in this very convoluted rambling way is, I am glad that today I’m aware of my tone, my smile, my body language and my words. I’m aware that they are powerful. I’m aware that I have the ability to make or break someone’s day with those words (or lack of).

Here’s the flip side of that awareness that I’m so grateful for. I have the ability to recognize that when person x doesn’t offer me the same smile, the same greeting, or the same body language – maybe….maybe it’s not about me. And maybe they are just planning how to rearrange their closet.