Sara @ Moonrize

I’ve been trying to post this blog for a while….seems like life always gets in the way of reflecting on life.  hmmm…

Ive been thinking about what makes me happy….and how much its changed….AND why that is.  I think most of my life has been spent striving for things, change, and direction all in the name of trying to achieve happiness.  Very little of my life has been spent being happy. Or being calm.  Most of my life seems to have been constant motion.  I know that this is a common drive….get the next thing, job, relationship, vacation…and then THAT will be happy.

Lately, i’ve been still.  Not in the physical sense because i’m not sure that is possible for me.  I’ve been striving for still in the emotional and spiritual sense.  I’ve noticed the things that really mean something lately.  I’ve noticed when my husband and I laugh at something no one else does.  I’ve noticed how my dog cuddles with me.  I’ve noticed how excited my mother in law gets when she does something she hasnt done in a long time.  Or when she plays with the dog.  I’m not sure what is allowing me to notice these things…but i’m grateful I am.

When I think of what I want out of life….long term…none of the things are material or physical.  I dont want to make a ton of money (which always seemed like the goal I should have).  I dont want to have a huge house. I dont want to have a new car.

I work with the elderly (which I love) and I notice the ones who have people to come visit, who have flowers in their room, who have great stories to tell, who have been on wonderful vacations, who have amazing memories about 50 years of marriage.  These things seem to be so much BETTER than…well anything!

What makes you happy? What do you see yourself treasuring in 20, 30 years?

We need a sleeping pill that will ONLY allow you to sleep for about 4 hours. That way when at 1130 at night, and my alarm is going off in 4.5 hours, I recognize that i’m not going to go to sleep on my own – I can take something that will allow me to sleep but not OVERSLEEP.

I swear, if we could all sleep, there would be WAY less sickness in the world. Maybe being well rested is the cure for cancer….

food for though….

Can change your life, right?  How do people not know this.  I, myself, am not a good writer and this is something I can say with absolute certainty.  However, the other side of that coin is that I can absolutely say that I crave the well written word like plants crave the sun.  Not even the well written word…but the written word. In the most unlikely places I can find the map to deciphering my thoughts and my own emotions.  And sometimes…I can find a piece of the map to the person I eventually want to be.

Tonight I read a book, a fiction piece.  It wasn’t a very original storyline or even particularly WELL written but man did it pack a punch. Its called “B as in beauty” and it’s punch lie in the insight.  Made, somehow, more insightful by the fact that it was written by a man.  Now, before you say that’s sexist let me explain two things.  First. Yep, sexist.  Second, the insight that tossed my on my butt was in a womans thoughts.  A man was able to completely jump right into my head and have his character react in a way that put words to my feelings.  Creepy and hot all at the same time.  He touched my thoughts (and well, me) on subjects from weight, to God, to sex, and an over packed schedule.  He nailed me on my guilt (who knows if its Latin guilt or daughter guilt….) and what I find that validates me.

He’s probably a woman trapped in a man’s body. Whatever. I loved that book.

More than loving the book though…I love that I love the written word. I love that I understand its power and that I can be provoked and comforted at the same time by these little words all strung together.

Reading rocks, ya’ll.

After a month living in just one house instead of two….life is calming down. I’ve been at the CNA job for almost 90 days now….i’ve gotten the 2nd job under control (only one day a week) and school is falling in line. We – as a family – are feeling more cohesive. Life is running smoother. Gary and I are doing *really* well with our ‘Dave Ramsey-ing’ (using cash and sticking to a budget) so in a few months, as long as we stay on track, we’ll have a healthy savings account and be able to DO more.

I have more time now to focus more on friends and social stuff. Its been a while, I think. It makes me sad that I feel like my friends have been living this whole time without me around! Not that I begrudge them lives…i’m just sad to miss out on them!

So for June, my resolution is to spend more time with friends and family. Be the friend I want to have. Re-focus on quality of life and not just survival (socially speaking). As well as ride my bike 2 times a week. July will be three. August will be four. I miss my bike!! Its still at the other house, I need to bring it over.

We’ve been at the new house for two weeks now…and we arent completely out of the old house…but life is good. I’m not super cramped and living with Mom is SO worth it. She’s been so much more relaxed since she has quit working and its really nice to see her “blooming”. We, Gary and I are a little cramped in our room but to be fair, we arent IN it much.

Between my two jobs, moving the old house, his job, sharing a car, school and trying to have a social life, we arent around a ton. Mom has been doing the majority of the housework and the cooking and such…so it makes it nice for me to focus on career and school.

Shortly after starting my job as a CNA…my knee started killing me on a pretty regular basis. No kidding, right? I went from sitting on my butt 9 hours a day to RUNNING 9 hours a day. So, i’ve gone to the different doctors and it turns out that I have a pretty serious knee condition. I have bone on bone in my right knee. Not so good. And there is nothing they can do about it. I got real worried about my choosing to pro sue nursing when my knee hurts all the time and will – forever.

After doing some more research, I think i’m going to be okay. I have to believe – because I truly believe that God has called me to nursing – that it will be okay. Besides…the nurses at work are on their feet WAY less than the CNA’s are.

So this summer will be spent settling into the new house, the new house mates, cleaning out the other house, settling into my jobs and school. And my tan…gotta work on my tan.

I got a call the other day from my TiTi. I wasnt there to hear the call….but I got the voice mail, which rocks.

As I’ve said before, my TiTi isnt my Aunt (TiTi is a variation of Tia - Spanish for Aunt), she’s my father’s first wife, but she loves me like a daughter. I’ve never once doubted that. Even when I was little and would go to her house, there would be a picture of me hung up in her living room – my own mom never had that!

I wish I had audio of her voice mail’s because she’s awesome. She asks your voice mail a question and then pauses. Giving you time to answer. “Hi Mihija!  I was calling to see how you are? {5 second pause} And how is Gary? {5 second pause}”  That stuff is GOLD. I love it.

Its hard to be this far away from loved ones…and this summer I will be going home.  Even if I have to hitch hike! However, if I weren’t this far away, I probably wouldn’t get those voice mails.

I was discussing blogs with my friend Jen the other day. She always seems to have fun and interesting things to say. She never seems to flounder, as I do, with no real POINT. While I return and read my own blogs, i’m struck by a theme. Yes, i’m grateful. Yes, I love my husband and family. Yes, I love my friends. yada yada yada. Don’t get me wrong – these are all true statements. However, i’m a MUCH deeper person than that (said in the teen angst fashion) and capable of expressing that, I think.

This last year, after spending my twenty’s and early part of my thirty’s as a bookkeeper and cost accountant… I’ve made a huge decision to change careers. I have completed a CNA course that will, ideally, keep me employed while I continue on with my BSN. This from a woman who – up until a few months ago – couldn’t watch herself get a shot.

My thought process on this was rather bullet point – ish and really evolved as I learned more.

1st – Accounting is a stable profession. Similar to teaching. Or teaching accounting. What this translates into during our economic downturn is that everyone who was laid off from what they really wanted to do, were using their accounting / book keeping skills. That made it a very hard time to be a book keeper with no 4 year degree or CPA.

2nd – I ENJOY people, I really do. While I also enjoy numbers, with my last job I was able to help people! Sometimes that help came in the form of accomplishing tasks for people, sometimes holding tissues while a 6th grader had a bloody nose from HELL, or just being the shoulder to cry on…but I was HELPING. It felt really good to each day – no matter how crappy that day was – to be able to see small markers of where me being involved HELPED. Not that anyone was involved…but that I was. That my skills / feelings / person made a difference.  No matter how awesome and accurate you make that excel spreadsheet – no matter how much your graphs “pop” (and believe you me, mine POP) I never went home feeling like I made someone feel better when I was a cost accountant.

3rd – I was able to take advantage of some Obama dollars (up to $2500) for some initial training. That would get me through the CNA courses while I decided where to go from there.

It was while in my CNA courses that I settled on Nursing. This wasn’t an easy call – as I’ve discovered that all my math and science credits expired 7 years after I took them. This means that i’m back in a lot of classes i’ve not only paid for already but I worked hard in them ONCE and now I’ll have to do it again. In addition to the classes, i’m also now back in school. Back in school where I am one of the oldest (if not THE oldest) person in my classes and i’m usually the FATTEST too!

I’ve never been shy, really. I’ve never had problems communicating with people or connecting to people…but this was different.  As you grow older, as you have experiences, your taught that all these things move you in a forward motion.  No one is naive enough to believe it will be a straight line…but forward moving none the less.  Going back to school at 32, with 18 year olds, is not a forward moving motion, people.  Unless…what if it is?  What if life is really about making yourself happy? What if the forward moving motion in life is about learning rather than finishing? I don’t just mean learning in school, though that certainly something, but what if its learning about yourself? If I can grasp that concept…then I can realize that i’m always changing and I sure know my environment is always changing…so maybe what i’m doing isn’t backward.  Or if it is…maybe I don’t care?

Sometimes I loose that concept in my mind…and walking into a new class with kids who aren’t sure if i’m the instructor or the student never gets easier…but i’m doing it.  I’ve finished my CNA-1 course and i’m moving on to CNA-2 while continuing to get my pre-req’s for nursing done (AGAIN).  I’m going to keep going…and i’ll be old by the time I get a nursing job.  However, I’ll be old anyway.  I know that i’d rather be old and enjoying going to work, feeling that because of me someones life is better, than be old and dragging my ass into work…just waiting until I can retire.

I doubt my path regularly but in hindsight, I have always done that.  The difference is that this time, i’m doing something about it.

xo,

Snuggies are pretty cool. I’m not making one for me…but I have made three now for other people. I understand how they can be pretty cool. Keep the blanket on while you’re drinking your hot coco….alright Mr. Snuggie. You got me.

~S

So, the family tree goes like this:

Maria Tapia (hens-forth referred to as TiTi) Was married to a man in Costa Rica (Silvio Tapia) and she gave birth to Maritza and Silvia Tapia. Silvio died and TiTi moved to LA. In the city of angels, she met Louis Downing-Abad. When she met Louie, she was pregnant with William Jimenez. Louie and TiTi had Louis Jr Abad, David Abad and Mike Abad (twins).

In the same city – about the same time – Jane Raymond was married to Hussein Hossenzadeh and giving birth to Erik Corey Hossenzadeh and Della Hossenzadeh. They split shortly after.

Titi and Louie split and Louie and Jane got married.

They had Daniel Downing (by this time, Louie had stopped using the Abad on his name) and Sara Downing. They split shortly after that.

10 years later, Jane adapted David Downing (same last name as her son and daughter but no relation). She then, three years later, adopted Kelly Hewitt.

The family tree – in order of birth goes:

Maritza Tapia
Silvia Tapia
William Jimenez
Louie (jr) Abad
Corey Hossenzadeh
David Abad (twin)
Mike Abad (twin)
Della Hossenzadeh-Caldwell
David Downing
Daniel Downing
Kelly Hewitt
Sara Downing-Kee

I have 2 step sisters, 1 step brother, 4 half brothers, 1 full bio brother, 1 half sister and 2 adopted brothers.

Here’s the reason I had to type out the family tree. Recently I have “found” (on facebook anyway – we never physically lost each other) my oldest sister Maritza. She lives in San Diego and we dont get to see each other a lot. Neither one of us is very good on the phone and we dont talk a lot. However, I ADORE her and I love her so much. I have a billion memories of her growing up…my motorcycle riding, leather wearing, big sister.

There isnt much my family got right growing up (with the exception of Titi, that is). No one stayed married to ANYONE. No one stayed sober or out of jail very much. None of the adults could handle us kids – to be fair, there were a lot of us. Having said that….there were some things that we DID get right – one of them is that your family is decided by your heart and not your bloodline. I dont know if that came from us kids…knowing that maybe the only thing we could count on was each other? Or maybe the adults gave us that – and maybe they gave us that because they were self aware enough to know we could count on each other more than them?

Either way – I love my big sister. I love that I get to see what she’s doing daily now. I love feeling her “hugs” via Facebook and knowing that we may not share blood, but she’s my sister through and through.

Love you Maritza!

Do you ever…Hold a little life in your arms and realize how lucky you are to do so?

Do you ever…Hug those family and friends you love and feel special ’cause they love you?

Do you ever…Get so mad at your husband for something that seems silly 10 minutes later when you are over it?

Do you ever…Cry a little when your friend loses HIS best friend who happens to be a dog?

Do you ever…Wonder if you took two people whom you adore and name your twins after them (assuming you had twins) but they had gotten a “d-word” if they would both come to the babies dedication?

Do you ever…Read your friends blog and are amazed at what a talented woman she is? Not to mention how much you love her pictures?

Do you ever…Feel your dog lick your toe and not really mind that much?

Do you ever…Wake up in the morning and kiss your husband without thought and never once think he’d rather you didn’t ’cause of your morning breath?

Do you ever…Drive 300 miles to cuddle a baby you love?

If you do…then you’ve lived my life today. And if you do…then we have a good life.