Sara @ Moonrize

Its been awhile since i’ve blogged.  So much has happen that I just dont have a lot of time to go into…i’ll wrap it up in my end of year blog, i’m sure.  Thanksgiving time always has me reflect on the gifts in my life.  Its harder this year than others…I’m dealing with a lot.

In all honesty – whatever other crap is going on – here are the things I know to be true.  And for them, I am extremely lucky and blessed.

1. I have a faith in God and Jesus.  Whatever happens in life….whatever tests or trials I face…I can rely on that faith.  Not everyone has that and I am grateful that I do because sometimes, its all that stops my mind from racing, my heart from beating out of my chest, and allows me to sleep. Sometimes…its more valuable than breathing.

2. I have a husband who would stop short of nothing to make me happy.  I know others THINK they have that, but my husband has proven it.  He has no faith that I am blessed with…but he follows God’s family plan and loves me like God loves the church.  He puts our family and me ahead of anything. He loves his family fiercely and will do anything to protect and provide. He is a man of honor and strength.  He also is a man of humor and kindness.  He makes me laugh and smile like no one i’ve ever met.  Nothing is real until i’ve shared it with him and my day isnt complete until we’ve connected.  I could not imagine my life without him.

3. My friends. wow. I have some amazing friends. Just like every other American, I go about life mostly concerned with myself.  My goal in life, from this point forth, is to be as good a friend as I have in my life.  I have trouble with the term “best friend” because i’ve got so many. I’ve had – particularly this last few months – more life changing trials than ever before.   I, when telling a select few of my trials, had friends offering to fly in from Michigan to support us.  Friends who would drive from Arizona if we needed. Friends and family that had to be physically stopped from packing the car in Medford to drive up for us.  I had friends that would cry with me, spend days listening to me with support, and spend hours on their knees praying for me.  In a time when I am 100% unsure of some of my biological family, I am 100% sure of my emotional family and my dear dear friends. From friends that have known me 2 years, to friends that have known me since 3rd grade…these people solidify my faith in my ability to trust and to love.
4. The family I trust.  You shouldn’t have to specify your family like that, right? To separate them.  Unfortunately, I have to.  I have a lot of biological family – and a good portion of them I trust and love so much.  The others, I love….but I cant trust them, with my family or my heart. I have some amazing brothers and sisters…unfortunately they all live far away. I’ve always grown up with family around me and I am missing them terribly but knowing they love unconditionally from afar is reassuring. Tonight – i’m so grateful for my in laws.  My Mother and Father in law consider me their daughter….with no hesitation.  My brother in-law’s and their kids and wife’s do too.  Its such a gift…and particularly this year…it is my life line. To know that I have a family that will protect my husband and myself – even at expense to themselves if necessary – is proof that I am right to (as the bible says), “leave thy father and mother” and make my husbands family my own.

I have so much to be thankful for – beyond the simple and amazing comforts of life (health, home, clothes, heat, food).  The trials that i’ve seen this year have made that even more true.  Some days, lately, I feel like my heart is breaking from pain…and my head is going to explode with stress.  Times are tight both financially and emotionally.  So when I feel that way, i’m going to come read this blog and remember all the gifts in my life….and i’m going to pray.

I love you guys!

Yesterday was a BUSY day but fun as well.  I went to my friend Tracie’s house…her son whom I’ve known since he was 1.5 is now 10(!!!ONEONE) which means Tracie is getting SO OLD ….and spend the day with them.  It was a lot of fun, for a few reasons.  First, I always enjoy how Tracie and I can pick up where we left off. Even if we haven’t seen each other in YEARS – literally – we just start in the same place. There’s no lag…our life changes and there are details to hear, of course…but WE don’t change.  Its nice. 2nd, I *really* enjoy her family.  I adore Brendan (her kid) and her grandparents and her dad.  Her mom drives her insane, which is fun to watch (probably because I can relate?).  The third reason it was so much fun is that Brandon (her husband. Yeah, I know…its close to her son’s name. What can I say? She doesn’t do variation well) used to race road bikes. It was a million years ago…but not a whole lot changes. I was able to learn a lot from him, so that was super cool – for me.

Best part of the party? I was telling Brendan that I could brain wash him. “Just come here, Bren. I’ll show you!” He comes over and I put him in a hug hold so he cant get out of and start to tickle him a little bit. Then I make a weird moaning noise (as though I’m putting him in a trance) and say, “Aunty Sara is your favorite aunt, isn’t she Bren?” He looks at me and rolls his eyes and says, “you’ve always been my favorite aunty, duh!” And that, ladies and gentlemen, is as sappy as a 10 year old boy gets. super sweet. Made my heart contract!

So, after leaving Battleground, WA – I sped home, let the dog out, went pee, grabbed a sleeping bag and some coats, and went to pick Gary up from work.  We hopped on the freeway and drove to Cannon Beach.  It was BONFIRE night.  We got there just as the fire was picking up (which was nice, usually we are there later in the evening) and got to sit and talk with 20 of our friends over a HUGE -as always – fire.   Well, for me. Gary was super tired and mostly dozed.
Here’s the part that has me kind of freaking out…I am TOTALLY out of the closet with my bike riding and aspirations to do the half iron.  I talked about it with EVERYONE last night.  WOW. no backing out now! I really enjoy the biking and I’m SURE that 56 miles isn’t a huge deal…but coupled with the swimming and the running…WOW. Its kind of a huge deal. I know, I have 8 months or something but I just don’t know if I’m going to be able to do it!   I think its kind of that “I’m scared to say I want it in case I don’t get it” kind of thing.  I just don’t want to tell people that I couldn’t pull it off, you know?  So, maybe that will make me train harder….we’ll see.

Today, more than anything, I want to go to the gym. I know its Sunday and I swore Sundays would be my off days…I am SO SORE from yesterday’s workout that I figure if I go to the gym…it will loosen me up.   Plus, I’m kind of loving it. I’m also loving that the jeans that were so tight I thought they gave me a camel toe three months ago fall off me now.  That’s nice too!

xo

I had a dream last night….we were having a happy hour and in walked our bff’s with whom we are not – currently.  I still have hope.  We took a walk on the beach which was right outside the restaurant.  There, walking along, we aired it all out.  it was all clear, in the open and we were friends again.

It felt good.

I saw that movie “the soloist” with Jen on Friday. It really showed me something that I don’t think it was trying to. I love my house. I do. I love it more when its clean (which it has been since Thursday so that helps) but regardless, I’m GRATEFUL to have it. I spend so much time thinking of my home as an albatross around my neck. We put so much money each and every month into this house (particularly now with the upgrades we are doing) and we have zero equity and its easy to feel trapped. But we HAVE A HOME. and its beautiful.

I also have been crying constantly about the loss in our life. Its so hurtful, even after 5 months. I, at this point, have no hope of resolution (or at least a realistic one) and it kills me. However, I so easily forget what is good in my life. Jen is a God send. She makes me laugh and tells me I AM a good person. The bookclub has become such a source of joy with me…those women. Angela, Shelly and Renee from church have been so much fun to hang out with. I worry about who Gary has….but I cant fix it. I’ve tried….so i’ll just have to be what Gary has.

You know, we are making it. even with the reduction in income for us, we are paying our bills…little by little. We cant do all that we want, but we are eating and loving each other and have a wonderful home. Our health is wonderful and so far we have managed to keep our heads above water…and i’m so grateful for that.

Today will be a good day. Today, I will work for me. Today, I will be strong and remember that whatever gifts I get are gifts from God.

xo,

Sara