Sara @ Moonrize

I get totally interested in people here…you can learn a lot about human nature. In some cases, in some ways, patients here are at their most basic level. They are surviving. Not in the ‘my plane crashed and now we have to decide which one of us is dinner way’ but in the ‘I’m running from the stuff going on in my own head’ way – and in some ways, I think that’s probably worse.

I think it’s interesting that patients here seem to get a lot of relief from being of service to others. People who have been here for a while showing the ‘newbies’ the ropes. A psychotic patient trying to help a dementia patient. One feeling that they might have a valuable purpose in life again, and the other feeling that maybe they aren’t unlovable. Maybe they aren’t helpless. It’s kind of beautiful in a way.

It makes me think of the rest of us and what we are searching for. Really, we all want to know that we aren’t helpless, or hopeless. We all want to feel kindness and love. We want to be of use, and we want to feel there is someone who we can lean on. It’s like a emotional teeter totter. You kick up, and I’ll float down. Then I’ll kick up, and you float down.

This is the most beautiful part: When I am being of service to you, I’m feeling so much better about me! If we can just remember that the easiest way to get out of our own head is to be of service to others – the world would be such a better place.

Here is a great example. Today, my pencil pouch was taken from the break room and it had my calculator in it and everything I needed to work on my math homework. I was HOT. I was so bothered by this – my word. The thing is…its really not that big of a deal. I mean, so what? I lost a calculator – that cost me a whopping $20. I lost some erasers and some pencils and I lost some time to do my homework. Whop dee do. Was I hurt? Did I lose time at work? Did I lose an important…anything? No and if I had taken a minute to think of something other than myself, I’m sure I would have come to this realization faster.

Next time, I’m going to handle that stressful situation better. Or better yet, maybe I’ll lock my crap up and it wont happen again.

I have a class mate in Yoga who is – I know this because of his name (which I don’t want to put here, because he probably reads my blog) – obviously a Muslim man. He is a nice enough guy, I suppose, but I purposely don’t have much to do with him.  Here is why: I’m under the impression (and I’m not sure why or where I came up with this impression) that Muslim men don’t respect women who are bold and or immodest.  So when I encounter him, I smile a little and I look away quickly – feeling that this is the way he would expect women to act.

 I didn’t think much about this until someone in class noticed it and assumed – which was fair from my action – that I was ‘scared’ of this large black man. Which goes to show you how little this person knows about me. haha

 So, is that prejudice?  Is it wrong that I’m assuming how a man would expect a woman to act just because of his religion? And why do I care? I’m not trying to DATE the man, for Allah’s sake. And why am I trying to make my behavior fit what he expects a woman to act like?

 I think I just want to be respected and not make him feel uncomfortable.  Not that the site of my smile might make him uncomfortable – as though he could feel a pull in his loins if he saw my teeth or if he were to hear my voice.  I shouldn’t be conforming for people though, right? Or is that just respectful – similar to why you don’t cuss around your grandma?

 Remember the old talk show that would have the “things that make you go hmmm” bit? This falls in that category.

Met with my adviser today….who suggested I drop out of one of my classes! She said its to much to take in one qrt and still work and she’s worried about me being successful.

Not sure how I feel about that. On one hand, she has my best interest at heart but on the other….i’m not 19. I know what I can handle and what I cant….and really, my GPA sort of shows that, right?

Now, I have to do well this qrt so that I can go back and SHOW her.

No, really – she was very sweet and did really want me to do well. It just was weird to feel like I had to justify my class selection. And I have taken a large class load before and had to drop some things….but i’m pretty well prepared this qrt.

Speaking of which, I have more math to do.

I’m basically planning my death.  I am doing a half marathon in 16.75 weeks.  I can currently run about a mile and a half without stopping. if I run SLOW.

I’m going to die.  I NEED to be more serious about this training thing. Its just SO much easier to take a nap, or eat something terrible for myself.

Yep, gonna die.  when I think of it, I get a little upset tummy.  Lord. I need to think of something else.  I wonder if we have any chocolate?

At work this AM, after 5 hours of sleep. I’m trying to get more sleep these days but it doesn’t look like last night will qualify. It was a fun night and well worth the effort it took to wake up this morning.

Work is mellow and calm (as calm as can be expected on the psych floor) and that leaves me with way too much time to sit and plan. Plan how my life will be. Organize and categorize and make sure that I’m prepared for all things that *could* happen to me. Or around me. Or for me. It’s a little annoying being stuck in my head.

I was thinking this morning about the impression we leave with people. There are often times when I’m thinking of something off topic and someone I just said good morning too (in what I thought was a perfectly nice way) feels slighted due to my tone and or my smile (or lack of). And then, in reaction to my less than enthusiastic hello, they respond with the same lack of enthusiasm and then I think, “wow, they must not like me”. {this is the part where men feel grateful that they don’t have a female mind}

What I’m trying to say, in this very convoluted rambling way is, I am glad that today I’m aware of my tone, my smile, my body language and my words. I’m aware that they are powerful. I’m aware that I have the ability to make or break someone’s day with those words (or lack of).

Here’s the flip side of that awareness that I’m so grateful for. I have the ability to recognize that when person x doesn’t offer me the same smile, the same greeting, or the same body language – maybe….maybe it’s not about me. And maybe they are just planning how to rearrange their closet.

Have you every watched Steve Jobs speech to the Stanford graduating class?  If not, you should. I’d Youtube it and embed it, but i’m not sure how to do that so you are going to have to search.  Its good and worth it, trust me.

Today, while being reminded of this speech on another blog, I got a text from my husband and soul mate commenting on my underwhelmed outlook on our life lately.  He’s right. 100%. Trust me when I tell you, our life is pretty busy and not something most people would associate with being underwhelmed.  Once you notice something is wrong, you have to be an adult and fix it, right?

Here’s my problem.  Rather than focus on myself, which is where the underwhelmed starts, I always focus on something else.  I’m feeling {insert emotion here} because {insert person here} is {insert verb here}. Sometimes those are valid….but usually they are about me not taking care of myself.  Not taking care of my emotional health, my physical health and / or my spiritual health.  And until I’m sure i’m on track with the former, I can never be sure if my instinct to blame others is valid or not.

Also, making sure i’m on track takes some time.  By the time i’m sure i’m okay and the feeling is valid, the above mentioned verb may have passed.  So if it was, in fact, valid – now I have to (as my brother Michael says) “get historical” to bring it up.  No one likes this.  All of this is EXHAUSTING.  This is what its like to live in my brain.  Its a terrible place, I tell you.

So now I have to spend time working on me.  I have to get very selfish and focus on what Sara needs.  I have to workout, I have to drink water, I have to journal (or blog) and I have to pray.  While i’m spending time doing these things less dishes get done, less bathrooms get cleaned, laundry piles up, dog is less adored, husband has to cook sometimes….you’d think the people/things in my life would feel neglected.  That’s the logical answer, right?  Take item X out of box A and put it in box B and box A has less.  Sometimes life isnt logical.

When I put myself first: when I journal, pray, workout, drink water….the people/things in my life are more content.  Weird, right? I’m not sure why.  Maybe because they truly love me and are happier when I’m happier? I’d like to think its because we are designed to put ourselves first.  We are designed to “stay hungry, stay foolish”, as Steve Jobs says.  We are designed to follow what puts a smile on our (and other’s) face.

So, today….this weekend….this week….that is my number one focus.  ME.